Tragic Endings for Assholes

Cycledude:
Why?
Because all the emotional drama in my life began with him. Before him there was peace all round.

How does it have to end?
He goes cycling late at night, encounters the creepy smiling man on the way (See here) and gets chased right into a deep pit full of piranhas.

Preacherdude:
Why?
Suffered years of heartache thanks to him. Hate him.

How does it have to end?
He gets tricked into thinking he's on a pilgrimage, but accidentally stumbles upon a top-secret meeting of Yakuzas. His little finger is instantly chopped off as per Yakuza tradition, and slashety slash....that's the end of the rest of him.

Preacher dude's brother:
Why?
Because he's a little pansy who whines and thinks he's royalty from the medieval ages or Marie Antoinette or something.

How does it have to end?
He's deceived into thinking he owns a kingdom. While he carries on with his debauched ways, sleeping around with several maidens and a courtesan, one of them sets an asp free into his pants. He faints in a girly fashion and then passes away from the bites.

Knight of Wands
Why?
For making me wait 3 years and doing nothing at the end of it.

How does it have to end?
He's listening to his headphones as usual, when he suddenly gets a high voltage shock due to static electricity buildup and malfunctioning of his iPOD. He goes deaf and dies at the same time.

Gorilla-Pervert
Why?
For initially flirting with me, forcing me to tolerate his stench and later bitching about me while making life hell for my project group in third year.

How does it have to end?
A couple of gorillas seduce him into their cages and ass-rape him to death for the entire zoo to see.

DistilleryDude
Why?
For making my first kiss the worst and least memorable as well as for drilling the significance of his caste, religion and job into my brain repeatedly.

How does it have to end?
With a passionate kiss from a Sumo wrestler, a long steamy shower and intimacy soon after. You can imagine how that would end.

Lying Dickhead
Why?
For lying to me about him still seeing his ex and expecting me to anticipate dates for which he'd never turn up.

How does it have to end?
He takes his cheap girlfriend to a seedy bar cum restaurant, where he orders for a plate of burgers. The catch? The burgers are filled with ground-up glass resulting in a slow and painful death for the two of them.

Whistler
Why?
For acting like a psychotic prick; talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. And also for whistling, slamming doors, jumping on his bed and making beeping sounds when I'm exhausted and eager for some shut-eye.

How does it have to end?
He plays video games on his laptop, when his operating system is all of a sudden infected with a deadly virus. His laptop shuts down, triggering an emotional tantrum from its owner who is sucked up by the frustrated virus and pixelated to fit into the system. He is stuck there for an eternity, with no way out and as good as dead.